Change your dating mindset!

Listen, dating is a high anxiety sport.

You’re basically putting yourself out there and asking complete strangers to approve of you. If that doesn’t happen, if you are rejected, no matter how good the reason, it can hurt. Here are the best ways to let your insecurities go.

1. I’m afraid I’m not his type. When you meet someone new, you worry about the impression you will make with your looks, your dating history, your job, even your car. This way of thinking is completely unproductive. Worrying about these things makes you less appealing. Instead of worrying that everything you have or do is going to make the wrong impression, acknowledge who you are, whether you consider all your attributes positive or not. Stop feeling like you are auditioning for a role and relax. Chemistry is not a matter of checking boxes. Accept who you are and go forward. If someone doesn’t like you, you aren’t right for each other. It does not mean there is something wrong with you.

2. I have nothing to say. It is hard to make conversation with someone you have just met. You don’t know what they like or what will interest them. Don’t worry about what your date thinks of your conversation. Don’t try to impress them. Be polite, ask them questions, and give yourself permission to talk about what interests you. This doesn’t mean you make a list of “interesting topics.” This means you discuss (to a reasonable extent) your job, where you’re traveled, books you’ve read, films you’ve seen. Ask them the same questions. If you are really making an effort to engage your mind and theirs, the conversation will flow.

3. I don’t want to have to tell him I’m not interested. The fact of the matter is that you are not likely to meet your soulmate on your first date – or your tenth. You have to meet a lot of people to figure out who is right for you. Unfortunately, this means telling a lot of people that they aren’t right for you. This can be tough – particularly in the age of internet dating, people feel like they know someone they’ve just met and get affronted easily. In the end though, it isn’t your problem. You do not owe a huge explanation to a woman with whom you’ve had lunch twice. Don’t lead anyone on but do be honest. You are not responsible for someone else’s hopes and wishes. They will get over it. All you can do is handle yourself with dignity and respect.

4. Don’t let dating define your life. When you venture into the dating world, you are putting yourself on the line to be judged to some extent. To ensure this doesn’t get to you, resolve that you are not going to let dating be the way you determine whether you’re a good person or not. Since this is easier said than done, make sure you are in fact doing a lot more than just dating. You may not want to date unless you are fairly stable, not because you don’t deserve to have a relationship if you’re unemployed, etc., but because you want to feel good about yourself before you let others weigh in. It’s a good idea to try to excel at your work, maintain hobbies, and do things that make you happy while you are dating. If you have a bad date, rent a funny movie or go for a jog. There are tons of reasons dates don’t work out and being able to brush it off is essential for keeping your head in the game.

5. You’re worried he just wants you for sex. Here is some totally basic but brilliant advice – if this is a worry? Don’t sleep with him! Or don’t sleep with him until you know him and you’ve established certain ground rules. Yeah, it might be cool to be able to have sex with someone without getting attached, but if that isn’t you, don’t force things. Tell him what you need. If he won’t agree, trust me – sleeping with him isn’t going to change his mind.



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Posted 07-08-2013 9:28 pm by