Just Friends?



You’ve gone on two dates with someone. 

From your point of view, it was an amazing time. You talked for hours, ate great food, felt incredibly comfortable. He says he wants to see you again, but when you both walk to your car, there’s a two-foot space that feels like a football field between you and a kiss good night. Are you in the friend zone? Do you want to be? We’ll look at how to avoid this in the first place, how to get yourself out of a friend relationship when you want more, and when to just give up. This article applies to any same or different sexed pairings, but for the sake of consistency, we’ll use the male-female dynamic.

Did you just meet this guy? If this is the second time you have met in person, perhaps you can give it a date or two more. For some people, the third date is big and it might be when things turn romantic. But you also need to look at the signs. Does he sit close to you? Good sign. Physical attraction need not manifest itself immediately in kissing or sex. But someone who is interested will almost certainly sit close to the person to whom they are attracted, reach out and touch them, and make eye contact for long periods of time.

Does he talk about other women? Bad sign. If he’s talking about an ex, you can indulge this for a little while. Many people who are firmly over their past partners will still bring them up from time to time. But if it’s his sole topic of conversation, you don’t want to be a part of that. Someone who isn’t over an ex is a bad choice. And if he’s talking about other women? To you? While you’re on what you think is a date? You are not on a date. You are an acquaintance. Run for the hills if you are feeling romantic because you need to nip that in the bud.

If you don’t want to be solely friends, first of all, you need to be attractive to the person to whom you are attracted. This is THE difference between a friend and a romantic partner. No matter how many hours you spend talking about a book you both love, if he doesn’t want to kiss you, he’s just a friend. Make yourself attractive physically when you meet, so that you are more likely to be seen as physically attractive to him and so that you feel more confident and convey that. Confidence is always appealing. Get dressed up, take time with your hair, choose a romantic spot.

You also need to be sufficiently bold with your potential partner. Dating and romance are wonderful but frightening. It can be a lot easier to just act like something is a friendship, even if you want more. If you aren’t sure what your status is, the best approach can be to just ask. Yes, it might be embarrassing if the question catches them off guard and they don’t feel the same way … but isn’t that better than investing three more months hoping for love that will never be requited? If you want romance, don’t sneak around via friendship.

Now let’s look at a scenario where you’re definitely in the friend category. Is this something you want? You have three main options here. Give up on him entirely. Be his friend. Or, try to make a boyfriend out of a friend.

Do you need another friend and can you handle being a friend? The first thing you need to be very, very honest with yourself is whether you like the person romantically and want to be “friends” in the hope that it will lead to more. This can be a pretty dim path. It does work occasionally, but more often it results in a long, slow drag that doesn’t end well for either party. You can’t wear someone down or convince them to like you. There is an uncontrollable element in romance that is either there or not. If it’s one-sided, it is likely to get ugly. If you really want to be friends, go for it. And, if you are here and you really, really think this person is worth it, you can try to change the way they feel. But as noted – this is hard and can be painful, so think about it and don’t go too far.

Try to make yourself more attractive physically and make the times you hang out more romantic – suggest dinner out rather than a morning jog. Be a little more touchy. Stop talking about people to whom each of you are attracted. Finally, if hints and subtle changes don’t work, tell him what you really want – but be prepared for the fact that he might not feel the same way. Of course, transitioning from a friendship to a romantic relationship can be lovely because a good friend knows and understands you already. Just don’t forget that you may not be a romantic match even though you are a good friend match

 

 

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Posted 10-14-2013 3:19 pm by