Sex. When should you have it?

Some people sleep together on the first date and spend the rest of their lives as a couple.

Others hold off until marriage and get divorced within a year. So the real answer about the best time to have sex is that you never freaking know. But what is essential is understanding how you personally react to sex and what you are expecting because having sex is rarely simple. Since there are no rules that fit everyone, you need to make rules for yourself, based on what you can handle both emotionally and physically at any given time.

And having said there are no hard and fast rules, I’m going to backtrack. The one rule of sex is that you should never have it because you think you should. Whether you want to get it over with, think you can hold on to him, or think you can win her back, having sex because it feels like you need to is a bad idea. Beyond this rule, you have to be honest with yourself about where you are in the relationship and what you hope to get out of having sex.

Sex means different things to different people – because of their background, religion, ethics, upbringing or simple personality. For some, it’s a great physical feeling, a lot of fun, and not that much more. For others, it means serious intimacy and is an extremely serious matter. Where you fall on this spectrum should obviously play a role in deciding when and with whom to have sex. And, of course, we all fall somewhere different on that spectrum depending on where we are in life and on who our partner is. The first few months after a divorce, sex with that cute guy at the bar might just mean a way to forget and enjoy yourself whereas a few months down the line, you could meet the very same person and think about sex as a gateway to a serious relationship. Some people have casual sex several nights a week with different people but when they meet the right person, they want to wait.

Sex does not equal love. You’ve heard this a million times, but it bears repeating. Confusing this issue is easy – one person’s mind is blown emotionally and the other one is just having a great work out. If you tend to get caught up in a new sexual partner easily, then don’t have sex right away. And before you do the deed, make sure your partner feels the same way you do. Once you have slept together, you can’t take it back and if you bond emotionally by having sex, don’t do it lightly or you are going to get hurt.

If you are just coming out a relationship, take it easy but don’t over-idealize sex. Being out of the game for a long time can make you reticent to try it with someone new. If the last time you had a partner other than your wife was a decade ago, you might be nervous about showing your older body to someone for the first time, or wonder if techniques have changed. Does every woman know how to do a striptease nowadays?? Despite appearances, the answer really is no. If someone cares about you, they aren’t going to care if you’re a little out of practice. And if they’re looking for someone who does it like a professional, maybe you want to look for someone who is a little more realistic. But if you’re the one zealously taking pole-dancing lessons, find someone who is going to appreciate that!

On the whole, younger people tend to have more sex more casually. If your partner is a lot younger than you, then their willingness to get down might mean nothing more than the fact that their friends are all having more sex than yours. If that is fine with you, go with it! Obviously going out with someone younger doesn’t mean your date’s going to be a sexual virtuoso. It’s just another thing to think about.

On a serious note, consider your alcohol consumption when having sex – this is important for a couple of reasons. First of all, if you drink a lot, you might be more likely to do things you wouldn’t do sober. Few of us enjoy waking up next to someone whose name we don’t remember. It can also make you think you have feelings for someone when you don’t. That romantic song on the jukebox really SPEAKS to you after five cocktails, making you think the guy across from you is an inscrutable artist-type whereas at a 2 p.m. you might realize he just has nothing to say.

On a REALLY serious note, alcohol can make sex dangerous. Don’t get so drunk that someone takes advantage of you. If something bad does happen to you, it isn’t your fault. Even if you were drunk. And no matter how you were dressed. Try to minimize the likelihood of this happening and don’t go home with strangers or drink alone at a bar. Even if you’re in a relationship, alcohol can make you less likely to take precautions than you would ordinarily. You don’t want to ruin a relationship – or your life – because in the heat of the moment you said, “screw the condom! I can’t wait!”

Sometimes having sex too soon has lesser but still important consequences. If you get tangled up (pun intended) with someone early on, you might miss the opportunity to get to know them well. Sex can definitely be a preoccupation and people sometimes make the mistake of overlooking a lot when they’re strongly attracted to someone. It’s hard to remain objective about someone when you’re having sex all the time. Yes, sex can be a hell of a lot of fun. It can also be a transportingly beautiful thing. But it can get ugly and it can blind you to your partner’s flaws. So make sure your partner and you are thinking the same way and don’t get intimate before you are both ready.



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Posted 07-26-2013 9:46 pm by