Why Dating Fails

People got on dates in droves every day, yet very few of the dates lead to anything significant with the other person and even repeat dates often end in unhappy relationships.

What is it that we are doing wrong and how can we change our success rate so as to reduce frustration and achieve lasting happiness?

People try to date too soon. If you have just gotten out a relationship, the impulse can be to jump right back into dating. You are not emotionally ready to date and doing so usually results in bad dates or a premature new relationship. There are always exceptions, but you should give yourself time to get over your last partner. If you can think of your ex without feeling anger or loss, you are probably ready to try again.

You date without discrimination. A lot of people, particularly with the rise of online dating websites, approach dating as a full-frontal assault. They go out with anyone who asks and they ask anyone who seems mildly interested. Yes, you might meet someone great but failing to assess real compatibility leads to dating fatigue. Consider whether you are really attracted to the person and whether you have enough in common to succeed as a couple. There’s nothing wrong with going on a few longshot dates, but filling up your month with five random dates a week breeds disillusionment. Think of practical ways to narrow down the field – a matchmaker, set-ups by friends who know you and the date very well, or by meeting someone doing an activity you love.

You prioritize the wrong things. You have to be attracted to someone to have a romance, but looks aren’t all that matter. Neither is money or the right school and job. To a degree, all these things matter, but ruling people out or in based on hard and fast rules about money or status or weight or race eliminates a lot of people who could be great matches for you. Be open to meeting someone who at first glance isn’t your dream date.

You let other people’s opinions matter too much. Your mother says you have to date a nice Jewish boy. Your best friend says you have to go out at least three nights a week. Your sister makes you take up group hiking even though you hate the mountains. You’re not ready to date until YOU feel like you’re ready. And the type of person you like should have nothing to do with anyone else’s opinions. If you hate doctors’ schedules and love full-sleeve tattoos, listen to yourself not anyone else. You will never be happy with someone you didn’t fall for based on your own desires.

You convince yourself you can deal with what are really dealbreakers. Everyone has different dealbreakers, but you really need to figure out what yours are before you date. No matter how sexy or funny or brilliant you find a potential date, if he or she possesses certain characteristics you just can’t live with, you’re never going to work as a couple. Some people don’t care what their partner’s religion or politics are – others do. Some people don’t love their partners kids – some just can’t handle them. Don’t feel like you have to accept the facts of another person’s life. It’s your choice to date them and you should know what you can and can’t handle before you do so.

You look in the wrong places. Before you start dating, make a list of what is really important to you. Then figure out a way to meet people who find the same things important. If you truly love exercise, join a gym or a Crossfit center. If you love the opera, get a subscription and attend events geared to young people. If reading is your thing, go to author events at libraries or join a book club. Don’t just go to events for single people. Rather, indulge your true interests and hope that you run into someone of a like mind.

The right person is out there, but you are a lot more likely to find them if you’re in the right place emotionally and you’ve really thought about what you want. Meeting a new love should be something that improves an already satisfying life.



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Posted 09-04-2013 8:09 pm by